Like before any big trip, one has lots of things to prepare and the C-spa is no exception. Instead of lazing away my final day of freedom, I was running around like a madwoman trying to get everything done and here I am exhausted before I have even begun my toxic trek.
I wanted to first tell everyone how much I appreciate all the support and kind messages I have received from friends and family from all over the world. I am amazed by the love people have to give and am in awe of how well all of you have dealt with this news as I am sure it scares everyone and awakens fears of mortality. I can’t tell you how much it brightens my day when I receive a beautiful card or a package with my favorite chocolates or magazines. I have quite an army behind me and the Big C doesn’t stand a chance. And it is so wonderful that so many old friends that I lost touch with have reached out and told me how much they are behind me. It makes it hard for me to have a low moment with so many cheerleaders picking me up! So thank you again to you all and please know that every word makes a difference.
So it is the night before Chemo and all through the house… Sorry couldn’t resist. Well after a wild goose chase through Oslo pharmacies to hunt down my final chemo cocktail drug, a trip to the dentist for a last minute clean (trips to the dentist are generally a no-no during chemo) where I broke down in tears when the doctor asked me the innocent yet loaded words, “How are you dealing with this all?” and an attempt to celebrate my husband’s birthday today (it is sadly tomorrow – poor guy) have made up my frantic day. Now as daylight fades from the sky, I sit here wondering how it will all be so very different tomorrow. Suddenly my reservation date is here yet my mind and body feel so unready for this enormous challenge ahead. I already have sympathy nausea today for Pete’s sake so how the hell will I fare tomorrow! I mean seriously where is the valium when you need it?
So I hope I get some rest and don’t spend too much time wondering how it will be, will it hurt, how will I react, will I cry, when will the hair go…? Weaker people (physically speaking!) have been through this and come out the other side and so will I. So I will open my veins and mind to the experience and remember that I am doing all of this to safeguard my spot in this world for a very, very, very long time ahead. Bring on the poison!
Sleep well all.