Forgiveness

Well it is day 12 and I still have a full head of hair and I have not been struck down by some terrible infection. So things are generally okay in the world of C. I had a busy weekend and managed to take my daughter to the park solo which was a real treat. She is running around and everything she sees is new and exciting. Oh to see the world as toddlers do!

As my strength and spirit have been getting better each day, most of my recent thoughts have been focused around luck and life. It all began when I heard some tragic stories of two young women who were both given terminal prognoses and sadly lost their battles. It really got me thinking about luck , life and how every decision we make leads us to where we are now and where we will be tomorrow.
I have told many people since I joined the C world that I was always going to get cancer (it was in my genes) but boy was I lucky to have it caught literally by chance now. I sometimes play devil’s advocate and think what I would have done if I had been told I had 6 months to live. How does one process that information and how would I have spent that time? Morbid thoughts I know but when one dances with mortality you are forever changed by the experience. People are surprised that I feel the way I do but the way I see it – what other way is there? It also ties in with this amazing quote I saw on Oprah a few weeks ago (this woman has the answer to everything!). It pertained to forgiveness and how we perceive it. A lot of people sometimes struggle with forgiveness (be it over a person or situation) because we often think that by forgiving we are saying that what happened was okay or acceptable. And for this reason we have a hard time getting to the point of release. But our dear old friend Oprah had a wonderful definition, she said that “Forgiveness was giving up the hope that the past could have been different.” Incredibly poignant words that make so much sense to me. I have used this definition in my own battle at coming to terms with my situation. I realized that there was no point asking the what ifs – like how would things have been different if they had caught this back in October when my first issue arose, or did I drink too much alcohol in my 20s, or if that little mutations hadn’t happened, or if I ate my body weight in blueberries! All of these questions are pointless because my reality is this and nothing I can do can change what has happened. The only power I have is for the present and for my tomorrow. It is actually quite liberating letting the past go as it allows you to see the here and now so clearly. It is so easy to blame and look for reasons why one should dwell on the different factors that got you to a certain situation but it can be so draining. I personally want to use every ounce of energy I have on getting healthy, being with my family and finding the good in everything. Of course it would have been great if I hadn’t been tapped on the head by the C-Fairy but she chose me and she must have had a good reason! I clearly was up to the challenge!

Love and light,
OBB